Odyssey

Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Raheem

April, 2022.

Odyssey

Are human beings like different types of flowers?

With their individual and unique blooming frequency.

Someone is a rose, that often blooms. But also, dies.

Some like the rare ones, blooming only once a year in the spring.

And some, taking years and years and years to become comfortable with the world within and without,

And then blossom, like no other.

Are human beings like the trees?

Some tall, some thick, some so very small

and under the shadow of the giant ones..

Or are people, like the sky..

Forever the same. But Sun and moon, keep changing it’s color.

Or are you and I like the earth. The very same earth we are made up of.

Forever humble, forever moving, and experiencing many seasons.

Cold. Extreme cold.

Spring, beautiful spring.

Summer. Harsh summer.

Autumn, slightly blue.

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Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh everyone,

It’s been awhile. In fact, years. It took me years to write again. SubhanAllah, life has been wonderful and good. But I am like this. And I dislike this about myself now. If I get one emotional wound, I go for years to hibernate and heal from it. But I hope whoever is reading this, is in the best state of emaan, no matter the circumstances. happy, confusing or sad. And doesn’t make the same mistake as I did – grieving while thinking you are fine, and hiding from the world because of those negative feelings.

So What happened.

I found my purpose and threw myself into studies. I was on cloud 9 because I had finally embraced my nature. I had finally decided to not waste my life anymore, and study what matters. So Alhamdulillah, I started madrassa. And then, when you study Qur’an and get serious about things, I guess you get tested about the knowledge. I had to say goodbye to someone really close to me. It was July, 2019.

I have never went public on this here. I have never grieved this with any of my friends. I have never put any statuses when I was going through the difficult times while I was losing someone, bit by bit, day by day, as I ran into and out of the hospital for nearly a month. I grieved there with humans who lost their loved ones before I lost mine. Every time someone passed away, I never thought once that my loved could die, too.

And then the time came for my loved one to go. I think, I grew a lot that day.. I grew a lot in a way I cannot explain over the coming years, when I had to say goodbye. It is like surrendering to God.

I bathed her with others, and shrouded her, without losing myself. It was as if God had strengthened my heart. And then, because we are humans, I broke down like a child. SubhanAllah.. this human heart. I learned Allah swt is giving me strength in this year.

What happened then. I experienced Allah’s presence in every hardship I experienced after it.

Now when I reflect about it, it is like He gave me the gift of seeking knowledge and finding my strength in God, only to make me stronger for what was to come: He was about to take someone I loved, back. And Allah is Allah, He didn’t leave me empty handed. I don’t think I would have been able to cope with this loss, If I hadn’t been made some wiser and emotionally stronger by Allah swt. And then growth continued. What happened when that person passed away, totally changed the family landscape.

Once again, there was only God who showed up.

I think, I am still deeply grieving, for I have not forgotten how some people disappointed me after the funeral. And I don’t know where did these years of my life go when I really sit down to measure them. I continued my studies. But I also gave them away to grief and acute fear.

I have never experienced such intense growth before where I felt Allah is walking with me every step of the way like I did in past few years. It is exactly like you walk one step closer to God, and Allah comes to you running. Well.. even when you are too broken to walk towards Him, He has the power to hold your hand and make you feel His presence. Like He is standing so close you. Like He is not unknown. He is very much here, with you and you are breathing close to Him.

You will experience a time in your life, where you would feel, all the things you wanted from a human, Allah swt is the one providing you that. Emotional strength. Emotional understanding. Fighting with your enemies. Standing up in front of your enemies. All of these more. I found Him so close. And so differently this time. It is as if, each event is there only to bring you closer to Him.

I have never understood this much Qur’an as I did in these years. I have never felt the wisdom behind certain ayahs or the signs in Qur’an like I did through these life experiences. It is like, Qur’an comes to life when you turn to it for answers about why this is happening in your life and for what reason.

And that’s amazing..

Human heart, is nothing but a place where Allah dwells, and it blooms. And when He leaves that heart, it dies a slow death and withers like a dried flower.. without the person knowing.. May Allah swt save us from that death.

Take care of your hearts. Take care of yourselves. And if you are ever bruised, don’t grieve or hide for long, like me. Taking weeks is fine. But taking years, is making yourself more zakhmi. Whatever it is, tell Allah swt about it. Do something about it, gracefully. But don’t grieve, in your mind only. Speak.

Allah swt, bi’iznillah and with His Mercy, can mend anything.

The view from my window at Cafe De Pamir, Hunza پہلی صبح

بسم الله

Subh Bakhair .

Mere alarm ne wafadari nibhate hoye, kaan ke kareeb ghanti bajai. 

Aur kamal hi hogaya, ke mai uth bhi gai. Karwat le ker jab ird gird dekha, tou shuker hai khuda ka sab wesa hi tha jese pichli raat chora tha. Daayen janib, aik nai abottabadi saheli. Baayen janib, zaati reliable pyari Ammi.

Hunza main meri pehli subha, bilkul ese hi thi jese bachpan mai agle din eid ki khushi. Isi khushi ke maaray sari raat neend nahi ati thi. ‘Ammi thora aur khel lun bas?’

‘Ammi , please, thora aur naaye joote dekh lun bas?’  yahan tak ke thora aur thora aur kerte kerte, joote sath rakh ke sonay ki nobat aa jati thi. Sirf agle din ki khushi ki khatir.

Mere liye Cafe De Pamir mai, naaye joote tou nahi thay. Kyun ke wo mai Gilgit ki mitti zadda road pe already tor chuki thi. Likin us waqt, Hunza mai, naaya din mera muntzair zaror tha. Alhamdulillah. Aur isi khushi mai, mai ye bilkul bhool chuki thi, theek bachpan ki terhan ke meri neend poori nahi hui. Saath hi saath jism mai 24 ghanton ke safar ki badolat, dard naak khaliyaan bhi theen. Esi khalliyan ke jis ke baray mai ager mai eik poora mazmoon likhna chahun, tou likh sakti hun. Likin mai likhungi nahi. Don’t worry. Ek waja tou ye ke 24 ghante bayaan karna asaan nahi. Dosri waja ye ke agay jo hua, wo batanay ki zara mujhe jaldi hai. Utni hi jaldi, jitni jaldi mujhe us roz, wo din shuru kerne ki thi. Nir e haal mu.

Lehaza, khaliyon ko khushi se kabool karte hoye, mei foran se uth khari hui.

Allahu Akbar!

Subha subha uth ke pehla kaam tha bhaag kar khirki pe jana, mu bahir nikalna, aur ird gird ke paharon ko ankhain phar phar ker dekhna. Ye plan maine raat ko hi bana liya tha. Kamrey mai dakhil hote hi, hum teenon kamre ke munfarid nakshay pe khushi ke maaray aik dosarey se  takreeban eid hi mill rahe thay. Itni khushi. Itni khushi. Ke hum ne jhatt se samne ki bari bari teen khirkiyon ke neeche lagaye teen farshi bistron pe dairay jama liye. Un khirkiyon se aik bohat bara pahaar aur Hunza waadi ke ghar nazar aarahe thay. Pahar na door tha na kareeb. Subha shaam dhuan dhuan se badal nazar atay thay jese chai ki chenak se nikalti hui steam. Farak sirf itna tha ke chai garam hoti hai. Ye manzar thanda tha.

Kamrey ki daayein janib bhi khirkiyaan theen, jis ki khas baat thi Rakaposhi pahar ka manzar. Ammi hazoor ne Rakaposhi wali side pe sona munasib samjha. Mai darmiyaan mai lait gai, aur Abottabaadi lerki/ safar ki dost, meri doosri janib.

Sab se behtreen jaga hum ne apne bhaari bags ko di. Ankhon ke samne, mu se door. 4 bunker beds per.

Zindagi aik dam haseen thi. Alhamdulillah. Zindagi aj bhi wesi hi haseen hai. Alhamdulillah. Mere zehan mai Cafe De Pamir ka ye manzir ab tak wese ka wesa hi maujood hai. Mujhe lagta hai shayad, mai abhi tak wapis nahi aii. Mai wahin hun. Thanday thanday asmaanon ke neeche, baray baray paharon ke darmiyaan. Jahan din bhi utne hi haseen hain jitni haseen raatain. Aur jahan main ne chand ko bullet speed se pahar ke peeche chupte dekha hai. Sach much. Jese wo bhi, agli subha jeene ki jaldi main ho.

Ahad Ahad …

Bismillah. It is 2:13 AM here, and what in the name of Allah am I doing here?

Well, I’m sitting on my bed, smiling to my adult self like a child, who is extremely and thoroughly pleased with herself for coming home. 🙂 Before me is my first baby blog, where I have moved back. Did I not tell you I am closing down khanumsays.com the domain? What a relief it has been to come to this decision. Yes, yes,! I cannot explain the happiness and lightness I am feeling in my being for embracing my simple wordpress blog and leaving the giant domain that I had purchased for God knows what reasons. It will be gone by May next year as the package expires. And you know what? After going through such lovely old posts on my original blog, there’s something I would love to share, once again, to commemorate the essence of Khanumsays.

Ahad Ahad… Now posted for the second time. The only post, to be shared twice on Khanumsays.

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Why shed these tears of sorrow?

Why shed these tears of grief? Ya nafsy how soon you forget, After trials come sweet relief

Why turn you from Ar-Rahman? Why yearn for a listening friend? Ya nafsy, do you not remember, On ALLAH (SWT), you must depend?

Have you not read those stories, Of the trials in days gone by, Of the Sahaba beloved by ALLAH (SWT), Who for ALLAH (SWT)’s cause did strive?

Why loosen your hold upon Him? Why fling away, His outstretched Hand? Ya nafsy, do you not remember, Bilal’s Sabr on the blazing sand? “

“Ahad! Ahad!” He cried, While his flesh did drip and burn. “Ahad! Ahad!” He cried, To ALLAH (SWT) alone he turned.

Have you forgotten the firmness of Hamza, As the gleaming swords did fall? With Sabr he turned to ALLAH (SWT), As the Quraish did slice and maul.

Why drown in salty tear drops? How can you dare compare your pain? To that of Yasir and Summayah, As they lay tortured on the scorching plain?

Have you forgotten the charring of Khabbab, As on burning coals he lay? Ya nafsy how meager your suffering, Wherefore do you lose your way?

Why befriend you not Al-Wali? Why not in Salaah to Him complain? Like Job who only to Allah, Turned in all his grief and pain?

Forget you that trials in this life, Cleanse your heart and make it clean? Ya nafsy, why all this sadness? Do you not wish your heart to gleam?

Be patient in all your hardships, ALLAH (SWT) hears your cries of woe. So trust Him and His Hikmah, For He knows best and not you.

So tighten your hold upon Him, Lest He withdraw His outstretched Hand! And remember the example of Bilal, As he lay anchored on the blazing sand.

“Ahad! Ahad!” he cried, While his flesh did drip and burn. “Ahad! Ahad!” he cried, To ALLAH (SWT) alone he turned.

Author unknown

 

Carissa Carandas: We have a genius plant and I didn’t even know.

Plants will surprise you. – Me.

Khanum enjoys story telling, so sit comfortably with a cup of tea and enjoy this short narrative.

What happened today may not happen tomorrow, what happens tomorrow, has not happened so far. 

I have no idea what I just typed, but I am going to leave that fancy wisdom as it is and continue writing about plants.

Bismillah. It surprises me sometimes, how the very small details elude us while we are searching for the big moments and breakthroughs. It so happened today evening that I decided to share a a video of a new plant at our home. I googled its name again to confirm I had it right. Sometime later, an impulse to get to know the plant more had me read through some facts about it. Probably, because I was not satisfied with posting just a picture of it. Who posts just the picture of a plant? It felt so empty and like a missing-the-point kind of a moment. So, naturally, I did the most bravest thing we all do to get things right. We ask google.

Here are some interesting facts that added to my knowledge of the plant, and I’m sure will add to yours, too.

1. The fresh juice of the fruit of Carissa Carandas is consumed daily in dose of 15-20 ml to strengthen the cardiac muscles.
2. It produces berry sized fruits 🍒 and is supposed to grow like a small tree.
3. It is an Ayurvedic plant used for the treatment of acidity, indigestion, fresh and infected wounds, skin diseases, urinary disorder and diabetic ulcer.
4. The fresh fruit is used to prepare, jam, jelly and even pickles.
5. The paste prepared from the leaf or bark is applied over fresh wounds for its treatment.

SubhanAllah, the ways in which Allah benefits us through plants and animals.

As I type this, I cannot help but form an analogy which spoke to me the moment I learnt, how much I didn’t know about this plant. We go by things, objects, and even our people, without noticing how special they are. Let’s not go far, in fact, it can very well begin by our own selves. We spend years with ourselves, without really being familiar with our true essence or nature. Getting to know ‘you’ is a process, it deserves to be continued till our last breath, along with getting to know our surroundings.

 

 

The lesson I learnt was to pay more attention towards little things, they have a lot to say. And get to know myself better.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be an Eiffel tower like huge thing that gets our attention, but sometimes, even the smallest of the bug with its beautiful golden color, has a lot to make us wonder about our blessings, and reflect upon the ways of Our Creator.

Now, the main event. It was bought for Rs 200 only. Quite inexpensive given its uses, and beauty. But it will take it years to grow tall. So a lot of love and care has to go in.

As I said, plants will surprise you.