Posts tagged ‘relationships’

September 27, 2011

No jokes. Please No jokes

by Khanum

I have met some confused people and then I have seen some entirely mental ones too but never in my (I won’t tell my age) years of Life , Have I come across a Person (a man to be honest) who has given me a reasonable and not laughable reply. (Or kill-able in many cases).

I’m Talking about the marriage question. And  No, Khanum hasn’t proposed anyone lately. (I solemnly declare I do not have any Boyfriend , neither do I wish to have one in any case) And if you’re wondering what this post is about. I don’t know where the feet or the toes of this post would be but You know me, I always make a point!

So what happened. You know the Facebook page I often visit and mention? HAPPY MUSLIM HUSBAND AND WIFE. Last Time I wrote a post over it that was a ridiculous hit.  Few days back I ran into a discussion “What qualities would you want in spouse.” I interviewed (surveyed) few opposite genders and I got some super funny replies. The ones that make u go baboons and well! baboons!  I just asked my cousin the other day – just out of curiosity- Why would you want to get married?. And he gives me the most ROmantic reply Ever. “…For Food, Pervisha. Its all about food. For having good food around the year, 3 times a day!” I confidently moved on to my next cousin. I repeated the same question and he gave me the heart attack of my life. “Marriage? ..” He stares at me as if I’m – a school girl and winks!  ..”Who wants to get married dude ? eh! I’m good!”

OK. So I was always worried where the young generation is going. But Now Im more worried where my two Cousins are going 😮 We had a long debate over it that went like forever.  In the end I shut up for the sake of keeping my sanity intact because I concluded what my one cousin wanted was a Master Chef  – not a wife and the other one just needed a good beat from his parents. Including me. Or I better just  give a call to his (secret gf) and reveal his future plans. yes. That’s most reasonable. (JOKE)

Back to HAPPY MUSLIM AND WIFE.

They Also had a similar status update interestingly. Look what they posted.

I seriously wonder if the Admin of this page is female or some hardcore fan of female psychology. Why must this page ask men to take notes otherwise ? Most importantly, Who knows a man that takes such notes anyways?  Have you ever met one, seen one, talked to one? Really? 😮

I read few replies and didn’t make a comment myself for two reasons.

1- I didn’t want to be associated with the status at any cost. (It was enough that  I mistakenly ended up hitting the ‘Like’ )

2- I laughed so hard at others that I really forgot to crack any joke there. whatever the ladies had written was enough. And out of that. I had been able to finally complete my research on this Opposite-Sex-Psychology-On-Finding-a-Spouse thing.

You are now asked to throw away every bit of logic in the air. Just blow it away. Read the rest of the post and laugh at Some-of-Your-genders- opinions on this matter.

Top 5 Qualities Men (What type of , I cannot comprehend) look for in their spouse.

1- She must not have any boyfriend , this friend or that friend or boyfriend history. (hahaha – as if u’re saint urself.  keep looking)

2- She must have white and nice feet , toes and hands. (OK- what about the face. Can it be blue, black,  green or yellow?)

3- She must acknowledge the fact that Her husband is her Second God , Majazi Khuda. (Do you acknowledge this fact yourself , bhai sahab?)

4- She must have blue eyes. (Just explain to me – what has eye color got to do with finding your spouse? )

And then finally … the 5th point.

5- She must not snore. (Now khanum is really speechless – banging her head on the wall, rolling on the carpet – finding her grandfather’s pistol and aiming to shoot this man)

Top 5 Qualities Women (What type of , I cannot comprehend) look for in their spouse.

1- He should have beard (OK)

2- He should not have beard (hainn ? :o)

3- He must be kind, and caring, and understanding and love me even when I shout and handsome and some more kind and more caring and some more understanding and rich and must have a BMW or Mercedes and must not look for another women. He must inform me where he’s going but he should not question when Where I am headed to and he should take me shopping and he should look like johnny depp once in a month and oH I would truly adore a man who would get my name tattooed on his arm you know like Johnny depp got Verona Riders name and maybe on His chest too … (Please shut up!  get a new brain or control plus Z your ideal man but I feel its really better you get a brain surgery) P.S. Stop watching Korean dramas and immediately quit reading stupid novels.

4- He must take me to McDonald’s every day. (Why? Does he own it? Or does his father own it?)

5- He must love animals. (uh – It is really beyond me – Do You want him to marry you or your cat?)

Other than these, There was another point on high demand by my religious sisters. It was about finding a partner who is spiritually rich. Let me quote a sister. “He should be an EXPERT in the field of Islam and must be a true Follower of Allah and His Prophet PBUH and must know the sunnah and everything, plus he has to be a daee. He should be perfect.” I couldn’t help myself from laughing at the word ‘EXPERT’. Please ask your self, or let me just ask you myself.  Are you a Phd degree holder in the field of Islamic studies and Fiqh studies and Fatwa Studies and Shariah studies and Sunnah Studies and every studies that could possibly exist in order to make you a Perfect Muslim???!! No? Then please be reasonable. Yes!? Then still be reasonable. This world is running out of men and women are increasing in numbers day by day. Do you want to get married or not, sista ?!

I can give you a hundred stupid demands made by most of the women and men in this world almost everyday. Just not too long ago, my cousin got divorced. He had been married for two years and it didn’t work out between the two: hence, divorced. So when I mistakenly asked him – actually I didn’t ask he himself started the non sense – He said “I want a woman who will furnish the house, bring in lots of jahaiz, buy me a car, take care of me financially or better she can take me to her home and we’ll be living there in peace”.

I just asked one little question to him and he wouldn’t talk to me on this matter again.

“Are you talking about getting married or getting adopted ? he never answered. 😀

She should be this tall because I’m that tall – she should look like britney spears but should be very veryyy modest and he should be this handsome because I’m like queen of sheba and this and that and some more blah bla. Really, is it like finding a matching Gold jewellery for your color tone ? No! It’s not. Finding a spouse is not at all like finding your matching shoes, purse, dress, earings or jewellery at all because when you make the effort to look for these material things you actually PAY to buy. How can you buy your spouse? You look for them to be loved and live your whole life with.

It’s not compatible qualities that you’re talking about here when you’re saying you want to have a woman with this figure and a man with this height! – these demands are just your selfishness and lust for finding perfection which btw is only meant for Allah swt , The creator of the Worlds! So if you’re finding God , please find a praying mat and meditate.

My grandmother married my grandfather when she was very young. (Yes I talk alot about my grandma) . They were cousins and total opposites in personality. She was bubbly and was always into outings and stuff with her girlfriends while on the other hand my Grandfather was a tough rough Handsome dude in the British Army. He was by nature very disciplined, boring , strict and  nothing like my nano but honest. So it was a successful marriage. BINGO! She would often narrate her most cherished memories with him. One day she mentioned , ‘The day I came to know I have finally been engaged to your grandfather I rushed to the Halwai, bought lots of sweets and went on to give the good news to the neighbors and my friends and gave alot of laddooos even to the strangers on the street. I was so happy that I am going to be Tufail’s wife.Then on the day of Nikkah I used maswaak to give colors to my lips , your grandfather saw me and said nothing. But I knew he just didn’t say it out of my shyness.’

I swear, hearing her telling this beautiful beautiful story was just simply magic. He went on wars and often didn’t come home for a year or two. Grandma said I used to go mad and angry sometimes that I will tell him this and that and this and that But the moment he used to return home to her, She would simply start to cry and feed him good food. 🙂

I wonder what that was….. Love?  You leave behind a woman today and you may never get to see her after you return!!

He passed away very soon leaving behind 8 children. Since my grandma was way younger than him, she lived all these years alone and missing him so much that I can barely do justice to her sadness with my words. I mentioned in my other post once how she had developed Alzheimer. She wouldn’t remember any child or any brother but one person she always remembered was her Husband. “Who is Tufail, nano?” We used to ask her to bring her back to conciousness when she often went into coma. “Tufail? Tufail is my husband…”

Seeing her saying this with much love in her old eyes, I used to wonder what is it that still binds Grandpa with nano even after his death?

Magic. Love. Association. Whatever it was. It was not a joke. It was a product of their honest time together. It was beautiful.

Now let’s take a quick look at the conversation below. This is a super kid I came across –  Arab by origins , who I believe should be rocketed off to a far far away and very distant planet for the sake of saving the virtues of foolish women of this planet. I had a conversation with a woman over Salaah thing at his status which resulted in this inbox conversation. I removed his name to maintain his privacy. Below is the picture,  He messages me and I reply.

Do you think khanum should wipe off this person? 😀 By the time he marries at the age of 30 Im sure, he would be having dozens of women-  all of them hoping he would marry them. In the name of Ta’aruf!

I won’t type more. I’m tired.

The End.

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May 14, 2011

“Something Wonderful”

by Khanum

“Will you kindly take me seriously?”

He sobered instantly at her imperious tone. “I’m going to marry you,” he said coolly, “that’s serious enough.”

“Do you realise,” she said with a winsome smile as she titled her head to the side, “that you become positively grim when you say the word ‘marry’?”

When he said nothing, she laid her hand on his sleeve, as if he was her friend, and gazed into his unfathomable grey eyes, seeing the cynicism lurking in their depths. “I don’t mean to pry, but are you happy with life –with your life, I mean?”

He looked irritated by her question, but he answered it.

“Not particularly.”

“There you see! We would never suit. You’re disenchated with life, but I’m not!.” the quiet inner joy, the courage and indomitable spirit he had sensed in her the night they had met, was in her voice now as she lifted her face to the blue sky her entire being radiant with optimism, innocence and hope. “I love life, even when bad things happen to me. I can’t stop loving it.”

Transfixed, he stared at her as she stood against a backdrop of vibrant roses and distant green hills– “Every season of the year comes with a promise that something wonderful is going to happen to me someday. In winter, the promise comes with the smell of snow in the air. In summer, I hear it in the boom of thunder and the lightening that streaks across the sky in blue flashes. Most of all, I feel it now, in springtime, when everything is green and black–”

“Black?”

“Yes, black–you know, like tree trunks when they’re wet, and freshly tilled fields that smell like–” she inhaled, trying to recall the exact scent.

“Dirt”, He provided unromantically.

She dropped her gaze from the heavens and looked at him. “You think me foolish,” she sighed. Stiffening her spine and ignoring the sharp stab of longing she felt for him, she said with calm dignity, “We cannot possibly wed.”

His dark eyebrows drew together over incredulous grey eyes. “You’ve decided that, merely because I don’t happen to think wet dirt smells like perfume?”

“You haven’t understood a word I have said,” She said desperately. “the fact of the matter is that if I marry you, you’ll make me as unhappy as you are–and if you make me unhappy, I’ll undoubtedly retaliate by making you unhappy, and in few years, we’ll both be as unhappy as ……”

…………………

Excerpt from a novel, I read 6 years ago.

…………………..

It was a time when I was still a teenager. World was black and white to me. Things were always either right or wrong, It’s a age when we are  unaware of the oblivious choices and shades. Twists, and turns of faith & the most basic need of adult hours…Compromise! with complete faith in His Art.

The lines in hope of “something wonderful” have always been my favorite ones. The only reason they have managed to survive there in my mind only because: I hope as she hopes. But What could possibly drive me to write a post on it? the answer is my cousin-brother’s marriage.

At the time when he got married, I was still studying in school. My mind wasn’t a mind of an adult as it is now. It was innocent and really–straight like a line. Which is why i never understood why he and his wife never looked ridiculously in love after marriage. Or why they had issues – arguements – while they were simply “MARRIED”?

Years passed, the number of their kids increased and so as their fights.

Today they have 3 brat children. They have the eyes of their mothers, huge and pretty…the eyes my brother used to say , are like cow. Long ago, when he said that, perhaps there was a hint of annoyance in it. But not today.

“Something Wonderful” happened for both of them. “Something wonderful” that binded them together like honey is to bee.

The husband who was so thrilled and relaxed over getting a job in Dubai few months back– finally flew back to his home last month — to his wife — to his children — leaving every dime he earned in a foreign land full of promises. All this, Just to have the nearness of the one he had but never realized what she meant. And the wife, my sister-in-law , is as madly in love with him now as a wife is supposed to be in every hour of life.

Seeing them this insanely in love for the first time and that too after years of marriage is something so wonderful for all of us, that I wonder how wonderful it would be for them in reality? Are they over their differences? Have they decided to leave their prejudices and pride behind for the love of each other? And what do we know, what love is? How love is anyway?

Going through that paragraph once again after years of acquaintance with it, I noticed something wonderful in its own unique way for the first time. It’s amazing how my outlook on this conversation entirely changed. It’s like a work of art. New read. New Message.

Something wonderful does happen. No matter you’re exception or Rule. Rich or poor, Smart or dumb. Wonder is there in every second in every hour. But believing in greater miracles in your life requires a miracle within you utmost.

I’ve listed out certain points that may help all of you out there to come to better terms with your spouse. Again, let me mention I’m not an expert on halal relationships. I just happen to be a keen observer of events and people around me.  And I’ve learned, This world is a perfect place to learn about Imperfection.

Once we set goals for ourselves, we set a mind frame to like certain people based on their certain qualities. One error in someone can simply turn our good thinking mode off towards that person. But ask yourself. Is this a wise-thing-to-do?

Perfection is meant only for Allah. The Creator of the creation. Nothing after Him, is perfect in the true sense. Apply this word to the human system, “perfection” only “under limited” resources would be acquired. So whatever perfection is there offered to you by someone, are you willing to let it go , slip it away from your hands just like that? just because of some ‘humanly’ flaws?

Please, don’t! Cause you never know,  you’re praying to be with a perfect person who will lead you home, But in reality,  you’re destined to guide a misguided person to become a better person and make the most honest home on earth.

That calls for finding a miracle within you, First and utmost.

So Make du’a, Say prayers for a God fearing and caring spouse after every compulsory prayer. And then , have the heart to pray that if  you end up with a opposite character unlike the one  you wanted, then in that situation May He  makes you a wonderful guide and a miracle for that person to sober up and change.

April 18, 2011

You’re as crack as me, together we can open a mental asylum!

by Khanum

Okay!!! I am very excited about this post Because Insha Allah, this time I’m hopeful  I’ll’ make it to the PUBLISH button and not the Save draft thing.

The idea of this post popped up in my brain while surfing Facebook. HAPPY MUSLIM HUSBAND & WIFE page is a very good and positive link for people who are either married or interested in sincere and Halal relationships.

Today, this page came up with a new status update:

Lets do something special for our spouse today 🙂
please share some ideas 🙂

My immediate response was this:

sometimes we do so much but never sit with them to tell them how important they are, and at times it happens, we do all the talking, and no sincere actions. Just whateva you decide to do, please make sure you express love and be honest.

I thought I was the first one to respond on the status but oh boy! There came a flood of comments. someone suggesting a massage , another recommending ‘buy her a car’ joke. This comment was really too much and definitely a product of a sister’s imagination but anyway, A bother was quick enough to correct her by simply exposing his ‘are-you-kidding-me-woman?’ smile.Right after I made my comment , someone responded saying,  i don’t have a spouse 😥 i am not married . ANd this is when I realised, I’m a natural at this baby I’m a natural. LOL.

You see, Neither am I married nor engaged, but still i give people tips as if I know what marriage is. Does this make me a psychologist? Hell no, though It probably should but no – I am just Khanum.

I have this habit of re-phrasing the phrases ( I have mentioned this quite often) and then there’s another habit which I call as ‘Putting myself in my own  future shoes’. Now let me elaborate this one.

Few days earlier, Tien came up with a post on how fun it is to play pretend pretend. My latter habit is quite similar to that ‘pretending game’. As a kid I used to imagine myself as a doctor. then the imagination got louder and God knows what other professions I made fun of. We all have been there. Where once in awhile, we all imagine ourselves as the ‘other half’ of someone. There’s really no shame in admitting it. Rewind your memories and go back to the time when you played with your siblings or cousins. What was the most played game on sunday at home? Poker?

In my case it always was ‘Wedding wedding’ or either ‘tea party’.

I used to dress up as the host and welcome my ‘imaginary husband’s parents to my home’ 😛 LOL..mother in law played by my 3 years old cousin still in her diapers and father in law by my other cousin – another diapered bottom.

This used to be quite a lot of fun. And still, the things are quite the same . Only the need to have real time actors is not there. the diapered bottom cousin is all grown up. I can’t possibly ask her and him to play that game again SO what do I do?

I improvise.

And improvise for what?

For the sake of having a better understanding of my …… ‘Future shoes’.. 😀

I imagine myself in the shoe of a wife and try to see things from a different perspective. Sometimes, it’s me versus ‘him’ , at times it’s me versus ‘everything’, but the most favourite part is when it’s ‘us’ versus everyone else.

Its very easy, you should also try. If any friend tells you I’m having this non sense or that arguement or that thing is my new headache in marriage ,  simply think from your perspective and answer her/him. This exercise apart from the joke part gives quite a sense of how to deal with people in problematic situations and most importantly gives you insight on how YOU would  respond to your own chaos. Although we all pray we end up with a nice person a sincere one upon which we can rely anytime. But c’mon lets face it. Not everyone is an exceptional case. You may end up with a total weirdo. What would you do then? Alot of women do complain of this fact. They are not afraid of marriage but simply afraid of ending up with a wrong person.

What should be done? Improvisation my friend, compromise and improvise.

I laugh when laughing is required. And yet I am a very serious type of person that my family is actually quite confused about me. But when it comes to a marriage, I would say – It’s an amalgamation of both emotions. Make sure you return the equal amount of understanding yourself which you expect from him or her.

Someone once told me ‘Things are not always black or white. Between these two extremes there are many shades of grey.” I personally don’t think its the same for every thing and every situation. Sometimes the option is either black or white. Any other shade is what people depict. But now that I think about it. I think we can apply this wisdom to a marriage bond.

Things are really not always black or white in this relationship. the person may tell you , you’re a headache but it is a high possibility that he has become immune to this migraine. Yes YOU!

Suppose your spouse comes  home, some argument comes up and  says – just out of the blue – I hate you. How will you react?

Hurt. Shocked. poisonous in many cases.Cause seriously, it is quite a painful word to hear from your spouse.

But if you’re smart , you’ll improvise and react in the most opposite manner. Use your humour side, romantic side or whatever side you think is best to identify the problem.

Keyword : IDENTIFY.

If you ask me , my reply would be something like this.

“Hate is a very hateful word. Let’s simply erase this word from our marriage dictionary’.

I know I know its very cheesy. Wanna try another option?

Okay. Just say thanks instead. and if still not satisfied. Try the best ‘Hate you back with love’ technique.

‘You didn’t like your school either. But It did educate you in the end dear , so please have some faith in me!!!’

:@

The next one is my favorite. I’m sure in near future there would come a time when My spouse would definitely tell me I am mad.

So I have already practised my line for that oscar moment.

Well  ‘You’re as crack as me. Together we can open a mental asylum. You can take care of me and I’ll do the same forever’!

I hope I have saved a marriage by this post. If not – at least I gave you all a good read and some hope for your marriage.